what.

I have a pretty new Blackberry, one with a separate key for each letter, and yet my tiny carnie-sized hands are still having trouble with not molesting the wrong keys. It’s taken TWELVE YEARS to type this wee post.

Carnie-sized hands, I tell ya.

There are some advantages.

Penis.

Protip

If you’re a dude, at a very small music venue, and you’re standing next to a chick, who’s there alone, the moment she hears you say to your friend, “Mannnnnnnnn, I bet she smells good” as you look at her & rub your hands together and she sees it via her peripheral vision, you go from “Random Bar Dude Who Accidentally Bumped Into Her A Couple Times” to “Creepy Motherfucker Who’s Likely to Get His Balls Caught in Her Fist If He “Accidentally” Rubs Up Against Her One More Time”.

You’re Welcome.

The More You Know….

—

Next protip will be how to handle inconsiderate bitchwhores who talk a lot during a music performance at a very small venue.

Did you know…

It’s easier than you think to arrange a last-minute, one-night trip even when you have a full-time job, two kids, and school homework, AND you can still somehow manage to not feel incredibly guilty (for too long, anyway)?

You pay more than just the taxes and other junk fees to use your Delta SkyMiles within three days of a flight?

That those fees are chump change when paid so you can go on a spur-of-the-moment, one-night-only trip to see a friend you’ve had this weird [mushy sappy crap] for over four years?

That you’d sprint your fat ass across what seems like an entire football field at Hartsfield International Whomeverelsewecannamethisafter Airport so you’d not miss your flight and nearly fall from having lame-ass, jello-legs when you get to your gate (from which you were mistakenly misdirected, THANKS DELTA)?

That, during that ass-kicking sprint, you’d find out those brand-new, knee-high boots you’d just bought WERE just made for walking?

That you’d be happier than you could tell when you arrived in Big Town, USA?

That you can, in fact, eat so much killer BBQ that your belly stays distended for what seems like years after eating a couple pounds of that BBQ each of the two days you’re in Big Town, USA?

I surely didn’t know. Now I do, though, and I am happier than hell.

Sweet.

emzbulletproof:

timestolen:

emzbulletproof:

A better answer does not exist.

OMG You didn’t know this either?

FUCKYEAHIWINATSCIENCE

P.S.  I might have also heard we have an African-American President.

DETAILS TO COME.

GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE. I bet he’s a socialist. Just a guess.

He’s not a socialist. He’s a Christian. BIG DIF, YO.

Oh, and he’s a Muslim (it’s hard to keep all these big government types straight!)

And he is going to make all of us go into a cold, barren room to die alone after the stupid DEAF PANELS (whatever those are) tell us we’re too old to live.

GOD, EMILY. Don’t you know anything?

Take-home tests are academic cock-teases.

I’ve been working on this one since Friday, and still no happy ending.

Hate.

What's a big sister to do?

Phone calls received at 4 a.m. are never good. My baby brother, who plays football for a junior college out in California, made that early morning call to tell me he blew out his knee yesterday in his game. One defender came at his leg from one side, and another one came at him from the other side. BAM. He said his knee popped loudly twice - out of place, back into place, and he said he felt as if he could hear the inside shredding. As you’d suspect, it immediately swelled to the size of a cantaloupe.

So there he sat, in his apartment at 4 a.m. in the morning, telling his big sister that the one big thing he’s ever wanted to do was pretty much over, and I could tell he was desperately trying to not cry. I hate this for him so much. He’s overcome a lot of bad stuff that happened early in his life, and he’s managed to come out of it a good kid, student, and pretty wonderful human being. Because his high school in Hawai’i was too small to field a football team, he busted his ass wrestling and running track to get into shape to hopefully play football in college. After this year, he was looking to transfer to a four-year school and play. Yes, he knew the chances were slim that he’d get in, but there was always hope.

He had no painkillers last night except ibuprofen, and his closest family member is 2,500 miles away. That’s the part I probably hate the most-not being able to be around and help him. He goes in tomorrow (hopefully) for a MRI to see how bad the damage is and determine when/if he needs surgery…and if it’s bad enough, he’ll find out if he can play ball anymore.

I’m going to send him a huge care package tomorrow-y’all give me some ideas on what to send him-keeping in mind that midget strippers can’t be mailed nor can family-size bottle of Vicodin.

What would a 20-year-old guy, who’ll be basically shackled to his bed, want in a care package?

Because you might care

If you’re a big football fan and care to structure your weekend schedule around either college ball or pro ball (OR BOTH, IF YOU’RE RIGHT IN THE HEAD), here are two excellent links you might not have known about before this super-informative and unbiased post.

College games: A full listing of all the games played each week on which station and at what time. There is a full list of all the conferences on this page, or you can select a specific conference (if you’re a hateful, non-SEC-watching-Commie).

God bless you, Matt Sarz.

If you backtrack to the main page, it appears he also lists college basketball games (which, as everyone knows, is a distant second to college football).

NFL: The 506 lists each game by region by station for both the early and late games. It’s what I call “pretty awesome”. Unfortunately it does let me know ahead of time when the stations are going to try to suck the life out of me by not showing either the Pack or the Colts. JERKS (insult in advance of this weekend’s Packers’ game)