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About

More than 140 characters and less than my life story.


If you need more, you can:
-find me on Twitter:
@ungraceful

-email:
theungracefulone @ gmail.com

Links. Will change with no advanced notice.

Random, clean, link #1
Random, clean link #2
Random, clean link #3

I will put more here when I am good and damn ready.

This will make you laugh and laugh and laugh, or it will make you click off this page. If you do so, then GOOD DAY. I SAID GOOD DAY!

27 October 09

I have a pretty new Blackberry, one with a separate key for each letter, and yet my tiny carnie-sized hands are still having trouble with not molesting the wrong keys. It’s taken TWELVE YEARS to type this wee post.

Carnie-sized hands, I tell ya.

There are some advantages.

Penis.

25 October 09
Guys, sometimes manners are HARD. My redneck instincts tell me this would have been better expressed if hand-stitched on a nice little pillow. AMIRITE?

Guys, sometimes manners are HARD. My redneck instincts tell me this would have been better expressed if hand-stitched on a nice little pillow. AMIRITE?

24 October 09
These are from just one pocket of my bookbag.
I have a problem.
The number of pens, unfortunately, isn’t my biggest problem. I’ve recently experienced a horrifying revelation.
I…I…I don’t think I’m a gel pen girl anymore. Like old ladies everywhere, I fear I am coming to prefer the unthinkable…the outdated…the sign of old age and resistance to change and all things new…
Ballpoint pens.
I am not sure I know myself anymore.
—
YES I AM PROCRASTINATING ON MY SCHOOLWORK. YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME! GET OFF MY BACK ALREADY!

These are from just one pocket of my bookbag.

I have a problem.

The number of pens, unfortunately, isn’t my biggest problem. I’ve recently experienced a horrifying revelation.

I…I…I don’t think I’m a gel pen girl anymore. Like old ladies everywhere, I fear I am coming to prefer the unthinkable…the outdated…the sign of old age and resistance to change and all things new…

Ballpoint pens.

I am not sure I know myself anymore.

YES I AM PROCRASTINATING ON MY SCHOOLWORK. YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME! GET OFF MY BACK ALREADY!

Posted: 12:59 AM
Mike Doughty & Scrap Livingston, that’s who.
There were fanfuckingtastic.
No really, they rocked my pants off.
Seriously. I have to go pick up my pants tomorrow.
The cellist gave me a lady boner so TURGID, it blew my pants right onto the stage.
—
Also, I wore make-up. WTF is that about? Random acts of femininity, I guess.

Mike Doughty & Scrap Livingston, that’s who.

There were fanfuckingtastic.

No really, they rocked my pants off.

Seriously. I have to go pick up my pants tomorrow.

The cellist gave me a lady boner so TURGID, it blew my pants right onto the stage.

Also, I wore make-up. WTF is that about? Random acts of femininity, I guess.

Posted: 12:45 AM

Protip

If you’re a dude, at a very small music venue, and you’re standing next to a chick, who’s there alone, the moment she hears you say to your friend, “Mannnnnnnnn, I bet she smells good” as you look at her & rub your hands together and she sees it via her peripheral vision, you go from “Random Bar Dude Who Accidentally Bumped Into Her A Couple Times” to “Creepy Motherfucker Who’s Likely to Get His Balls Caught in Her Fist If He “Accidentally” Rubs Up Against Her One More Time”.

You’re Welcome.

The More You Know….

Next protip will be how to handle inconsiderate bitchwhores who talk a lot during a music performance at a very small venue.

21 October 09
GPOY…11 yo kid.
The boy loves football. He has this season-long injury to the bridge of his nose that no amount of helmet adjustment or band-aids can seem to prevent. Thank goodness for Liquid Bandage, or he’d be sitting out a lot more plays until HIS FACE STOPPED BLEEDING.
Does it bother him?Hell yeah. How’s he supposed to take down the other team if he has to sit on the sidelines just for a little blood? GEEZ
Does it bother me?
Nah. It’s the bigger injuries that occasionally worry me-like the one we had this past weekend. We had four boys go in to tackle one opponent (it was the 2nd OT-these kids weren’t gonna lose). My kid hit the boy low on his hips, but the three other kids of ours hit helmet-to-helmet. One poor kid was knocked out cold, and it resulted in a concussion. I’d wager the two teammates who accidentally knocked heads with him felt nearly as awful as he did.
The injured one was out at practice yesterday - just to watch (no playing for at least three weeks) - and he was fit to be tied because he couldn’t be out there practicing with his team.
Damn kids.
—

GPOY…11 yo kid.

The boy loves football. He has this season-long injury to the bridge of his nose that no amount of helmet adjustment or band-aids can seem to prevent. Thank goodness for Liquid Bandage, or he’d be sitting out a lot more plays until HIS FACE STOPPED BLEEDING.

Does it bother him?

Hell yeah. How’s he supposed to take down the other team if he has to sit on the sidelines just for a little blood? GEEZ

Does it bother me?

Nah. It’s the bigger injuries that occasionally worry me-like the one we had this past weekend. We had four boys go in to tackle one opponent (it was the 2nd OT-these kids weren’t gonna lose). My kid hit the boy low on his hips, but the three other kids of ours hit helmet-to-helmet. One poor kid was knocked out cold, and it resulted in a concussion. I’d wager the two teammates who accidentally knocked heads with him felt nearly as awful as he did.

The injured one was out at practice yesterday - just to watch (no playing for at least three weeks) - and he was fit to be tied because he couldn’t be out there practicing with his team.

Damn kids.

Posted: 12:43 PM

Did you know…

It’s easier than you think to arrange a last-minute, one-night trip even when you have a full-time job, two kids, and school homework, AND you can still somehow manage to not feel incredibly guilty (for too long, anyway)?

You pay more than just the taxes and other junk fees to use your Delta SkyMiles within three days of a flight?

That those fees are chump change when paid so you can go on a spur-of-the-moment, one-night-only trip to see a friend you’ve had this weird [mushy sappy crap] for over four years?

That you’d sprint your fat ass across what seems like an entire football field at Hartsfield International Whomeverelsewecannamethisafter Airport so you’d not miss your flight and nearly fall from having lame-ass, jello-legs when you get to your gate (from which you were mistakenly misdirected, THANKS DELTA)?

That, during that ass-kicking sprint, you’d find out those brand-new, knee-high boots you’d just bought WERE just made for walking?

That you’d be happier than you could tell when you arrived in Big Town, USA?

That you can, in fact, eat so much killer BBQ that your belly stays distended for what seems like years after eating a couple pounds of that BBQ each of the two days you’re in Big Town, USA?

I surely didn’t know. Now I do, though, and I am happier than hell.

Sweet.

14 October 09
GPOYC…all breaking the meme rules. My mom’s here for a bit over a week, and she brought pictures.
This look - this is still my look. I’ve spent the last 29 years honing this, “I’m pretty sure you need to just walk away” look. Based on where my hand is, it seems I was in the middle of jabbing my brother in the ribs.
Also, note my brother and his neck dirt-crease of glory AND YODA.
—-
My kids have seen this look. It serves very well as an “Excuse me?” mom look.

GPOYC…all breaking the meme rules. My mom’s here for a bit over a week, and she brought pictures.

This look - this is still my look. I’ve spent the last 29 years honing this, “I’m pretty sure you need to just walk away” look. Based on where my hand is, it seems I was in the middle of jabbing my brother in the ribs.

Also, note my brother and his neck dirt-crease of glory AND YODA.

—-

My kids have seen this look. It serves very well as an “Excuse me?” mom look.

7 October 09

emzbulletproof:

timestolen:

emzbulletproof:

A better answer does not exist.

OMG You didn’t know this either?

FUCKYEAHIWINATSCIENCE

P.S.  I might have also heard we have an African-American President.

DETAILS TO COME.

GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE. I bet he’s a socialist. Just a guess.

He’s not a socialist. He’s a Christian. BIG DIF, YO.

Oh, and he’s a Muslim (it’s hard to keep all these big government types straight!)

And he is going to make all of us go into a cold, barren room to die alone after the stupid DEAF PANELS (whatever those are) tell us we’re too old to live.

GOD, EMILY. Don’t you know anything?

Reblogged: emzbulletproof

Posted: 9:11 PM
emzbulletproof:
A better answer does not exist.
OMG You didn’t know this either?
FUCKYEAHIWINATSCIENCE
P.S.  I might have also heard we have an African-American President.
DETAILS TO COME.

emzbulletproof:

A better answer does not exist.

OMG You didn’t know this either?

FUCKYEAHIWINATSCIENCE

P.S.  I might have also heard we have an African-American President.

DETAILS TO COME.

Reblogged: emzbulletproof

6 October 09

Take-home tests are academic cock-teases.

I’ve been working on this one since Friday, and still no happy ending.

Hate.

2 October 09
GPOY…Procrastinating. I have a six-page exam to answer, a paper to write, and two group meetings this weekend for which I still have to prepare.
I should be getting to that, but I’m still recovering from last night’s test and some stressful couple of days at work because I’m a giant pussy sometimes.

GPOY…Procrastinating. I have a six-page exam to answer, a paper to write, and two group meetings this weekend for which I still have to prepare.

I should be getting to that, but I’m still recovering from last night’s test and some stressful couple of days at work because I’m a giant pussy sometimes.

27 September 09

What's a big sister to do?

Phone calls received at 4 a.m. are never good. My baby brother, who plays football for a junior college out in California, made that early morning call to tell me he blew out his knee yesterday in his game. One defender came at his leg from one side, and another one came at him from the other side. BAM. He said his knee popped loudly twice - out of place, back into place, and he said he felt as if he could hear the inside shredding. As you’d suspect, it immediately swelled to the size of a cantaloupe.

So there he sat, in his apartment at 4 a.m. in the morning, telling his big sister that the one big thing he’s ever wanted to do was pretty much over, and I could tell he was desperately trying to not cry. I hate this for him so much. He’s overcome a lot of bad stuff that happened early in his life, and he’s managed to come out of it a good kid, student, and pretty wonderful human being. Because his high school in Hawai’i was too small to field a football team, he busted his ass wrestling and running track to get into shape to hopefully play football in college. After this year, he was looking to transfer to a four-year school and play. Yes, he knew the chances were slim that he’d get in, but there was always hope.

He had no painkillers last night except ibuprofen, and his closest family member is 2,500 miles away. That’s the part I probably hate the most-not being able to be around and help him. He goes in tomorrow (hopefully) for a MRI to see how bad the damage is and determine when/if he needs surgery…and if it’s bad enough, he’ll find out if he can play ball anymore.

I’m going to send him a huge care package tomorrow-y’all give me some ideas on what to send him-keeping in mind that midget strippers can’t be mailed nor can family-size bottle of Vicodin.

What would a 20-year-old guy, who’ll be basically shackled to his bed, want in a care package?

26 September 09
THIS is the book that has been haunting me.
I have to read this book for one of my classes, and let me tell you something CHEESE AND CRACKERS THIS SHIT IS SLOOOOOOOOOW TO READ.
I could have given birth in the time it’s taken me to read eight chapters (more than once, really, since my last kid was born in about 35 minutes-you didn’t need to know that, did you? but since I’m so desperately trying to avoid getting back to reading this book NOW YOU KNOW THIS).
I could have cleaned my house really, really well in the time it’s taken me to read eight chapters.
I could have driven nearly to Texas in the time it’s taken me to read eight chapters.
I could have read four other books in the time it’s taken me to read eight chapters.
Most importantly these days, I could have slept the sleep of a gloriously sleepy sleeper in the time it’s taken me to read eight chapters.
But noooooooooooooooooo, I have to read this.
CAN A GIRL GET SOME CLIFF NOTES UP IN HERE?
AND WHERE IS KANYE TO INTERRUPT THOMAS L. FRIEDMAN?
Talk about a selfish jackass. Pfft.

THIS is the book that has been haunting me.

I have to read this book for one of my classes, and let me tell you something CHEESE AND CRACKERS THIS SHIT IS SLOOOOOOOOOW TO READ.

I could have given birth in the time it’s taken me to read eight chapters (more than once, really, since my last kid was born in about 35 minutes-you didn’t need to know that, did you? but since I’m so desperately trying to avoid getting back to reading this book NOW YOU KNOW THIS).

I could have cleaned my house really, really well in the time it’s taken me to read eight chapters.

I could have driven nearly to Texas in the time it’s taken me to read eight chapters.

I could have read four other books in the time it’s taken me to read eight chapters.

Most importantly these days, I could have slept the sleep of a gloriously sleepy sleeper in the time it’s taken me to read eight chapters.

But noooooooooooooooooo, I have to read this.

CAN A GIRL GET SOME CLIFF NOTES UP IN HERE?

AND WHERE IS KANYE TO INTERRUPT THOMAS L. FRIEDMAN?

Talk about a selfish jackass. Pfft.

Posted: 12:06 PM

Because you might care

If you’re a big football fan and care to structure your weekend schedule around either college ball or pro ball (OR BOTH, IF YOU’RE RIGHT IN THE HEAD), here are two excellent links you might not have known about before this super-informative and unbiased post.

College games: A full listing of all the games played each week on which station and at what time. There is a full list of all the conferences on this page, or you can select a specific conference (if you’re a hateful, non-SEC-watching-Commie).

God bless you, Matt Sarz.

If you backtrack to the main page, it appears he also lists college basketball games (which, as everyone knows, is a distant second to college football).

NFL: The 506 lists each game by region by station for both the early and late games. It’s what I call “pretty awesome”. Unfortunately it does let me know ahead of time when the stations are going to try to suck the life out of me by not showing either the Pack or the Colts. JERKS (insult in advance of this weekend’s Packers’ game)

Themed by Hunson. Originally by Josh